


Burdening Traumatic Stress

by mushembra



Series: Nathan 'The Brazen Bull' Cunningham [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: And Nathan needs the support, And can relate, Angst, Brotherhood of Steel - Freeform, Danse feels bad, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, mild violence, self-neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 03:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6407272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushembra/pseuds/mushembra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Paladin Danse took Nathan Cunningham under his wing as an Initiate, he saw him as picture of stellar health. However, a particularly sensitive investigation into the disappearance of a Brotherhood patrol squad triggers pain that Nathan has tried for years to shove down into the dark corners of his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burdening Traumatic Stress

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Nathan suffers from a lot, and the main source of his suffering is self-hatred due to bigotry he endured growing up, and guilt over some of his most horrifying experiences during the war. He's triggered by seeing his comrades fall in combat, or having died during assignment. The attacks tend to get worse the more people he finds dead, but he just about can't stand seeing it at all
> 
> I would imagine in the current Commonwealth, since trauma and I would guess PTSD would be so common, they would treat it as being far more normal and something people would be more willing to talk about and treat. So Danse wants to dispel the notion that Nathan is weak because of the emotional problems he suffers from
> 
> Stepping out of the vault has done a number on my poor Sole, it really has. But with the support of the Brotherhood, he's gonna be a-ok!
> 
> And to note, I started having a lot of problems writing this, a.k.a. getting really upset over it, so if it's not well put together or doesn't flow, I'm sorry

Initiate Cunningham’s first mission outside of simple tech retrieval or cleaning the Commonwealth of abominations was going to be difficult and trying, that Paladin Danse had already known. He had the utmost faith in the man’s capabilities, however, and hadn’t doubted he would find the missing patrol squad, dead or alive. Preferably he’d find them alive, but with it having been so long since they went missing, it was doubtful the Initiate would return with good news. He hadn’t expected there to be such unforeseen repercussions. He hadn’t even thought to have Scribe Haylen give the Initiate a preliminary health examination to collect his medical history. Cunningham was in peak physical health, kept up during morning PT, and easily conducted simple assignments in a timely manner. He hadn’t thought to consider mental illness, and Danse felt immense guilt over the pain he caused his Initiate for such carelessness. He should have done better by him, the man certainly deserved as much.

When Cunningham returned with the final report on his assignment, of the fate of the patrol and now ex-Paladin Brandis, with the holotags of the fallen and holotapes as evidence to be given to the Proctor’s later on for cataloging, he seemed well, if a little more stoic than he usually was. His eyes were dull, and he held a stiffness in his body that was foreign and wrong, and Danse should have picked up a little better on the sudden change in behavior. He was always observing the Initiate, and felt rather foolish that when he should have been watching him the most, his mind was elsewhere. Instead, he was wrapped up with the bad news, holding the holotags of his fallen brothers and sister in his hand, grief flooding through him as it did each time such tragic news reached his ears. All soldiers of the Brotherhood were prepared to lay down their lives for the sake of their mission, but it was still done so with a heavy heart. It never became any easier.

“You did well, soldier. I was...hoping for a better report, but it’s not your fault. I...understand that you have other...matters to attend to outside of the Brotherhood. We have our hands pretty well tied until the Prydwen arrives, so take a couple of days for your other business if you need. Dismissed.”

With a salute and not another word, Cunningham stalked out of the police station, brushing passed a very concerned Haylen on unsteady feet. She wasn’t all too convinced the man was leaving in good spirits, and honestly, she’s been worrying about this from day one when he joined the ranks. The man was new to this vile Commonwealth, a mere shadow of the world he had known before, and the trauma piling up was starting to break down the walls surrounding the problems he carried from before this new life. She had caught on to certain mannerisms, coping mechanisms, the restlessness nights spent pacing the halls, the occasional panic he couldn’t keep out of his eyes and the attacks that sometimes followed. She had her suspicions, but didn’t know for certain, so was hesitant to bring it to Danse’s attention. She didn’t want to cause any undue concern without having proof.

“Sir, may I be frank for a moment?”

Paladin Danse glanced up to Haylen for a moment before giving her a short nod, moving to his personal footlocker to deposit the holotags for safe keeping. He would send them off to their families when he finally had the time to do so. He always hated breaking that sort of news, but knowing was better than wondering why your family member hasn’t contacted you, nothing but guesses and unconfirmed fears.

“Are you sure Initiate Cunningham is alright? He seemed a little...off.”

“The assignment I sent him on was of a very sensitive nature. I’m sure it’s given him a lot to think about. A couple days of leave will do him good. Give him time, Haylen. He’ll be in fine fighting form soon enough.”

For Cunningham’s sake, she sure hoped Danse was right.

\------------

Except Haylen knew she was right about her suspicions, and knew there was definitely something amiss when days went by without hide nor hair of their new Initiate. If only she had insisted her superior speak with him. If only she had done something. Her concern grew with each passing day, and she had to fight down the desire to request some silly suicide assignment to chase him down. Knight Rhys scoffed, throwing around ‘I told you so’s’, writing Cunningham off as going AWOL. He had already bet the civilian wouldn’t last a month in the Brotherhood, and would take off without a word after regretting his decision to commit his life to service. Paladin Danse assured his soldiers the Initiate was going through much, having woken up to the life and world he knew in shambles, and would return once he was given the time to collect himself. Of course the Scribe wasn’t so sure of that. There wasn’t anything she could do for the time being except keep a look out for any sign of Cunningham’s return, which was a daily routine now bordering on obsession.

It wasn’t until a week later that Scribe Haylen heard an unusual sound within the confines of the police station compound. It sounded like a shovel moving dirt, in a manner most frantic and alarming. She left her post atop the barrier watchtower, taking a short walk around to the back of the building to find a scene the was morbidly unsettling. It stopped her dead in her tracks, and it took all of her willpower to keep from turning tail and retching in the bushes. Cunningham was digging a deep hole, tossing dirt about like a man gone mad. He was haggard, looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and there was a wild panic in his eyes. And laying in a row beside the hole he was currently digging, were the bloated and rotting corpses of the Brotherhood patrol he had investigated into only days prior. How the hell had he brought their bodies here without their noticing? There was no way he carried all three of them at once, which meant he’s been back here, and did so very quietly, as not to make his presence known. The stench of decay made Haylen gag, and her own sort of panic settled deep within her chest, though it wasn’t the same desperate panic consuming her fellow brother.

“SIR! DANSE!”

Cunningham didn’t even turned to the shout, completely invested in the digging of what she could only guess were graves for the fallen soldiers. It would have been a very touching gesture, if it weren’t for the fact her fears were verified by his frantic actions. The Initiate suffered from PTSD, and his most recent assignment must have triggered him. Loud, heavy footsteps came up from behind Haylen, Paladin Danse losing the words that had formed on his lips at the sight before him. He was horrified into speechlessness, realization piling on him like a ton of bricks. Haylen had been right to worry, and he turned a blind eye, even if it was unintentional. But now wasn’t the time to be consumed by his guilt. His failings as Cunningham’s commanding officer weren’t important right now. Right now, the Initiate needed him, and he wasn’t about to make the same mistake again.

“Sir, I...we have to pull him out of this. He’s...he’s lost it.”

“I can see that, Haylen.”

Danse could see it, and he could damn near feel it. He knew from personal experience the terrifying grip PTSD could have on a soldier. Reality warped around you, and all you could see were the deepest horrors and nightmares conjured up by your frayed and damaged mind. The Paladin fought his own nightmares each sleepless night, and was ever grateful for his brothers and sisters who knew just what he needed to pull him out of his hallucinations. The problem here was he had an unpredictable and desperate man fighting some unknown monster, and not a clue what his trigger was, nor how to best go about helping him without worsening the situation. The one thing he did know, however, was that he couldn’t leave the poor man like this. That was almost worse than having the best of intentions in helping in, only to deepen the nightmare.

Paladin Danse took a tentative step forward, slow and cautious. He could now hear Cunningham muttering nonsense under his breath, body shaking from exhaustion. It was apparent he has neglected his health within the last week, and what he needed more than anything was time to recover under the careful eye of a medic. He needed to rectify this situation. He had to right this. He couldn’t count his failings since arriving in the Commonwealth on his fingers, but he would be happy to at least right one of these wrongs.

“Initiate Cunningham. Soldier! Listen to me. Listen to my voice.”

Cunningham stopped his frantic digging for a moment, hardly acknowledging his commanding officer before resuming his almost automatic motions, his mutterings becoming louder and more incoherent. This was bad. This was really bad. He was deep within a psychosis, and a man in his state could create a very dangerous situation for all involved.

“Soldier, come back to us. We can’t help you if...if you don’t talk. What you’re seeing, it’s not real. Sol--Cunningham?”

Something Danse said must have set him off. A dark rage contorted Cunningham’s face, and with a mighty heave, he hurled the sharp spade of the shovel right at Danse, and if it weren’t for the fact that he was clad in Power Armor, it could have done some real damage. It instead bounced ineffectively against the steel breastplate, and the Paladin couldn’t help the anger that bubbled forth. He took a step towards the Initiate before glancing back to a rather startled Haylen, who had taken a few paces back towards the police station. This situation was getting dangerous much too quickly, and he wasn’t about to put her life in danger because of something that was his fault. He was responsible, and he would take care of it.

“Haylen, get inside. Prepare a room for a makeshift med-bay. Have Rhys help you gather up anything you’ll need. I want a thorough observation done once I get him inside.”

Haylen was grateful for the orders, and dashed to the safety of the building. Danse’s attention was now completely dedicated to the crazed man before him, who was starting to look more like a cornered beast ready to attack. Cunningham was low to the ground, his trusty bat in hand. He needed to be careful of his every word, his every action. The Initiate was on the verge of teetering over the edge, and Danse had the feeling one more misstep would cause him to fall.

“SOLDIER! This is your commanding officer! Snap out of it! Assaulting a superior is not the way to get on the right foot with the Brotherhood. Cunningham! You’re putting yourself and everyone else around you in danger! You need to get a grip!”

Danse took another step forward, and in an instant, Cunningham’s demeanor changed completely. The rage faded, replaced by raw fear. His hand started to shake so rapidly that he lost his grip on the bat. He made a sorry attempt to get himself lower to the ground, backing up against the barrier wall protecting the station. The rage and will to fight gone, the instinct to flee now took hold, but there was nowhere to go.The Paladin made an effort to soften his expression, holding his hands up as a sign of resignation, but his impressively large presence, donned in the bulky armor, only seemed to frighten his Initiate further.

“Colonel...colonel I...I t-tried...I couldn’t get to them in time. I...it was just for a second. I was only gone for a second…I thought...th-they had it covered...”

This wasn’t going to work, not like this. Paladin Danse rarely stepped out of his Power Armor, in part because of his own horrific battlefield experiences, but his top priority was easing Cunningham back to reality, and that would be well worth a few moments of vulnerability. Activating the release, Danse stepped out of his armor, feeling quite naked out in the open in nothing more than his uniform. The sound of the armor decompressing seemed to have startled his Initiate, who sat shaking against the wall he was backed into. His frenzied eyes were unable to focus on the world around him, looking for the ghosts that weren’t there. Nice and slow, Danse attempted once more to step forward, footsteps now light and careful, hands up once again, placating.

“Cunningham, please, listen to me.”

Cunningham let his eyes wander up to his commanding officer, who was only a couple of feet away, yet crouched to keep himself as small as he could (hard to do given how broad he was as a man), not wishing to further frighten the poor man. Danse certainly seemed to be gaining his trust a little easier, projecting a presence that was as least threatening as possible

“Colonel I’m...I’m s-sorry...dead...all dead...and it’s my f-fault. Bodies. Bodies everywhere...so...much...blood…”

The dead patrol. Fallen comrades. That was his trigger. Shit, Danse wish he had known sooner, but how could he have known? PTSD was something that was often misunderstood, and from his readings, that was especially so of soldiers fighting in the war before the bombs fell. It was likely Cunningham has never worked through his trauma, had it treated, or even talked about it. The Paladin could relate, shrugging off his own pain in favor of jumping right back into his duties, despite being told he should take leave to work through it. He felt for the poor man, he really did. Danse now reached forward and took Cunningham by the shoulders in an attempt to ground him to the solidity of the world around him. He flinched, but didn’t make to pull away. He was trying his best to focus on the Paladin, but his wild eyes twitched this way and that.

“Cunningham, close your eyes. Listen to my voice, and my voice alone.”

Cunningham did as he was told, closing his eyes, a small, frightened whimper escaping his pale lips. The fact that he was even willing to close his eyes upon request was a good sign.

“You’re at the police station with your brothers and sister. As your commanding officer, I’m not going to abandon you, and I’m not going to give up on you. Whatever you’re seeing out here, whatever and whoever haunts you, they aren’t here anymore. You’re here, with me. You don’t have to shoulder this alone. We’re here to help you carry these burdens. Cunningham, you’re safe with the Brotherhood. You’re safe.”

Cunningham shook his head violently, letting startled and horrible cries croak out from his dry throat. Danse didn’t leave, and he didn’t remove his hands from the man’s shoulders. After some time, the fit that consumed him started to calm, deep yet shuddering breaths helping to guide his frantic heartbeat to a slower pace. His eyes fluttered open, now more focus and not quite so wild. They now locked onto the Paladin, glazing over with exhaustion, yet there was a silent thank you exchanged between the men, a small measure of relief on his face. The tension at long last left his muscles, then his body suddenly pitched forward into his commanding officer’s arms, unable to support his weight any longer once the adrenaline inducing nightmare veil fell away. Danse caught him with a small grunt, a bit flustered and unsure for a moment. Physical contact and closeness, even given the situation, always made him uneasy, but he wasn’t about to leave Cunningham out here because he was embarrassed. So he hefted the Initiate into his arms and took him inside to the bed Haylen had set up, leaving her to do what she did best. Besides, he had much to think about.

\-----------

Paladin Danse didn’t have the chance to talk to his Initiate until the next morning when he finally woke up. To his relief, Haylen was getting food and water into Cunningham’s system, chatting easily with him to help lift his spirits. He was definitely looking a little worse for wear, but he was considerably calmer than he was during yesterday’s incident. He hoped to never see the man in such a state again, but Danse knew just how unpredictable PTSD could be. That’s why he needed to have this talk, so that he could be better prepared for when this happened again. Haylen spotted Danse from where he stood in the doorway, and offered him an easy smile, Cunningham’s eyes following hers to meet with those of his commanding officer.

“You look much better today, soldier. How are you um...holding up?”

“Much better, sir. I must apologize for--”

“Not necessary. Although I would like to have a moment of your time if you’re feeling up to it.”

“Of course.”

Scribe Haylen took her leave to give the men privacy. She had already heard Cunningham’s story and gotten her own details to start documentation on his condition, but she knew how difficult things of a personal nature were for Danse to discuss. Having her as an audience wasn’t going to make that any easier. Still, he had a very kind and soft heart, even if he fumbled over his words. The Initiate was in good hands. The Paladin shuffled rather nervously on the spot, once again out of his armor, in case there was even a hint of the panic leftover from the other day. The last thing the man needed while recovering was to the startled back into a fit. He had even removed the cap he typically wore, running an unsure hand through his thick black hair. It wasn’t until a chuckle broke the silence that he snapped back to reality, the smallest of smiles pulling up Cunningham’s lips.

“I was starting to wonder if you were actually attached to that Power Armor of yours somehow, sir.”

“Yes, well, given the complications we’ve encountered since arriving in the Commonwealth, I feel much more comfortable prepared at a moment’s notice rather than caught off guard.”

“Ah, I can understand that.”

Danse walked into the room now, taking a seat at Cunningham’s bedside, giving the Initiate a good once over. He certainly wasn’t quite as pale, but it was apparent by the bruises beneath his sunken eyes that it would take a couple of days of rest to recover from the ordeal. The Paladin ran a hand over his face, the words, not for the first time, failing to form on his lips, mouth opening and closing a couple of times before he could manage to get anything out.

“You gave us quite the scare, soldier. This...urgh...is something you should have brought to our attention. Before you say anything, I...know...how hard it can be to admit that you...need help, or that you’re suffering in such a way, but...by not telling us, if this had happened in a more dire situation...you could have put this entire squad in danger. As my Initiate, you’re my responsibility, and I hate…”

Danse could feel his heart beating up into his throat, drying up his clumsy words. Why couldn’t this be easier? Why did this sort of shit have to be so difficult?

“Cunningham…”

The use of his name, even his last name, was enough to get the Initiate’s heart going, and he likely would have blushed if he wasn’t in such poor condition, cheeks flushed and pale. His voice was so soft, filled with concern and understanding, and he had a feeling he knew why Danse was able to relate to his pain. He would never wish this illness on anyone, but it was comforting to know that he wasn’t alone.

“PTSD...this...thing you’re going through. I know many good soldiers, fellow brothers and sisters, who suffer from it. A life living in this wasteland, it...anyone is vulnerable to trauma, but it doesn’t make you any less capable. However, you can’t be mission ready if you don’t let your squad in on what’s going on. At the very least, you need...to let Haylen, as your medic and...and myself, as your commanding officer, so that we can help when something triggers you. We need to know how we can help. I’d...hate to see you do something you didn’t mean to because...because you’re trapped in a memory you can’t escape on your own.”

Danse let his hand hover for a moment before bringing it to the Initiate’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring grip. The kind gesture nearly broke Cunningham down, but he maintained his composure by averting his eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. The strong emotions storming within weren’t out of pain this time, but rather out of immense gratitude. This sort of support was unheard of and rare in the army, so he honestly hadn’t expected such support in the Brotherhood. But here was Danse and Haylen, proving him wrong, showing him that perhaps the world he lived in now followed new rules and social norms. He had been prepared to  bury his past deep, deep enough so that he may be able to put it behind him and do what he must to move on. Maybe that wasn’t necessary, and maybe, things could still change.

Cunningham met the Paladin’s eyes now, a more genuine smile glowing on his face as he gave a small nod, taking such comfort in the warmth of the hand on his shoulder.

“I appreciate what you did for me, sir. I...I had fears that my condition would disqualify me from service so I hoped I...could control it…hide it. I know untruthful of me but...”

“A foolish notion, soldier. I...I mean you…”

Fumbling again. It was always hard to get the right words out.

“The Brotherhood will do all it can to help its soldiers, even those new to the ranks. You’re worth the time and the resources. Neither I, nor the Brotherhood, are about to give up on you because of this, I can assure you. You’re...a good man, and that would be a waste of talent.”

That was probably about as close to a compliment as Cunningham would ever get from the Paladin, but even such faltering words made his heart flutter. He really shouldn’t be reading too much into it, but he really appreciated the kindness Danse was showing him. Kindness is not something he’s known a lot in his life before the bombs, and it was quite the surprise to find it now in such a barren world of cruelty. It was enough to give him hope.

Danse’s kindness got Cunningham to open up, and for hours they sat and talked about one of the most vivid memories that haunted the man to this day. He had been stationed with a patrol up in the mountains, part of a contingency plan to protect one of their most strategically important military installations. He had told his commanding officer at the time he spotted something or someone suspicious in the forest line nearby on several occasions, but since no one else had made note of it, his reports were written off as stress induced paranoia. One night, upon spotting the suspicious figure again, he left his post to investigate. There were two others on watch, so he made the error of thinking walking off for just a moment would be fine. It ended up being a fatal mistake.

Cunningham had gotten lost in the thick trees that trapped the moonlight high up in the canopy. After an hour of frantic wandering, he made it back to the clearing and trekked back to base camp, to find a hideous scene of gore and death awaiting him. Everyone had perished in the attack, enemy soldiers taking advantage of the opening he had left behind after abandoning his post. Their weapons and ammo had been taken along with their distress beacons, and all of the vehicles had been tampered with to rendering them inoperable. The only evidence left of the attackers were their footsteps in the snow. He was left stranded and alone on the side of the mountain, a haunting wind howling in his ringing ears. He told Danse about how he tried for hours to revive many of his fallen comrades, sobbing, screaming over his personal radio for back-up. He spent three days among the dead, a husk of the soldier he once was, before rescue came when daily reports failed to return from the post. It had been the longest three days of his life, and he remembered all of it in startling detail.

Haylen eventually returned to the men to find Cunningham tangled in Danse’s strong arms, silent tears streaming down his face, holding onto the front of the Paladin’s uniform for dear life, as if the man was the only thing keeping him from floating back down into the nightmare. She couldn’t help but smile at how sure Danse held the despairing man, guarding him from the dark thoughts, muttering reassurances in his ear. This was the Danse she knew, the man she admired and would willingly die for. For all of his military bearing and being all business most of the time, he had a fierce loyalty and care for those under his command, and that’s why she trusted him so much. It’s also why she knew this poor, broken man would be alright. After all Cunningham had been through, he was a man without cruelty, a man who was genuine, and one that would do great things for the Brotherhood. But for now, she left him in Danse’s capable arms. The road to recovery would be a long one, but together, they could get Cunningham through it.


End file.
